Can't Marry a Hillbilly

“I just could not stick around any longer and risk one of my daughters marrying a hillbilly”.  This one sentence is inscribed into my brain and will be there for the rest of my life.  It was one of those vacation conversations – seemingly one must travel to a vacation getaway to actually sit down and visit with one’s hometown neighbors these days!

Our friend was telling us about a most significant career move they had made a number of years ago.  They took on a voluntary service term coordinating housing reconstruction among poor people of the Appalachians in Kentucky.  Enthused and a very enjoyable story, his face literally glowed as he told of that Mennonite Central Committee assignment.  It was full of description and empathy for miners whose lives were literally controlled by ‘big coal’.  I was especially intrigued having recently read John Grisham’s, Gray Mountain (Doubleday, 2014).  Among stories of black lung and deplorable housing and family conditions I noticed also some kind of a reservation - I can sense these things sometimes. After a bit I asked him about it.  He answered forthrightly.  Yes, the work had been very satisfying for him and his family, but eventually he determined they must ‘get out of there’. “Why?” I asked. “The risk was too great that one of our daughters might fall in love and marry a hillbilly”.  Yes, he said it exactly like that!  And although his wife was sitting at same table and had prepared the delicious meal, I am not certain whether or not she had participated in that decision!

I was touched by this friend’s resolve to provide the right atmosphere for the nurture and care of his family.  At the same time his protectiveness gave me pause. I would be interested to have a conversation with his daughters to hear how they experienced this ‘care’.  Did they experience this as overt control?  Or did they appreciate the care and concern of their loving dad?  And also, what influence did their mother have in these family impacting decisions?  One of my brothers and his wife are also fully involved in high risk ministry in a poor neighborhood in Colorado Springs, CO. For them it is a lifetime commitment, and before their decision to become thusly immersed they together gave this attention.  They decided they would not have children.  In my mind that was a good decision, especially given their penchant for radical advocacy and 'bannering' peace messages against the military in that militaristic city.

Almost this could become a philosophical treatise because it now begs the next question.  What is the role of a Christian in today’s society, or as Francis Schaeffer once wrote, How Should we then Live? (Revell, 1976). Of what priority is the safety and well being of our children?  Is it appropriate to put them at risk for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?  Is it a real risk or merely parental fearfulness?  I once participated in a seminary Study Group on almost this very topic,"Celibacy and the Priesthood." Catholics and Protestants have much to learn from each other on that.  Perhaps I shall write a little more about that some time. Stay tuned!

 

How should my wife and I have lived?  After twenty-some years in pastoral ministry and then twenty years trucking after my burnout, we still think about that as we are now well into retirement.  Although our children, all four of them adults by now, employed and relatively stable, we wonder about next chapter of our life and impact it will have on them.   Our eldest with his family in Ontario, youngest in Winnipeg, and two daughters here in Calgary, we think about short term ministry assignments, about our education (yup), and even a possible return to the work force (Our pension profile not as well padded as many of our friends).  We cannot ignore that our next years will seriously impact two of our daughters who have not yet gained their complete independence from us.  By moving out of town are we abdicating our responsibility as parents, or are we finally providing opportunity for them to fend for themselves?  We also do not believe it a good idea to move around following your kids.  The answer may seem obvious to the casual advice-giver or gossiper, but it is not obvious to us.   

We wonder have we adequately provided those learning opportunities that might have avoided the co dependence we are in now?  I may be slightly critical of my friend’s careful control of his children’s environment, but also envious of his helpfulness in guiding the formative years of his children (and as revealed in further conversation, now also providing employment and career opportunities).  His talk intrigues me, even along with some reservation.  We are two Christian families.  Indeed we live our lives quite differently.  

Our respective children do not know each other.  My impression is they may have little in common.  If they were to compare notes, who might claim to have received the better deal?   I think our kids would say they did.  Verna and I believe in our children and that they will make decisions that are right for them.  We have not attempted to guide life partner decisions (One is married, one in a committed relationship, and two single).  We have had many discussions about education and what's priority here and there, along with our encouragement to them to make decisions that seem right, along with our trust that God will guide them if they ask, AND our love is unconditional.  Sounds nice and loving, yes.  But quite task oriented also, especially from this workaholic!

 

It is not fair to evaluate these Christian friends or us according to these incomplete criteria.  Nonetheless this recent conversation gives pause. I have many good friends who probably think more like me than my good businessman volunteer friend.  

As many of you know, I have resolved to write stridently and occasionally controversially if need be in these retirement years.  Nothing strident here this time, just kind of thoughtful on said subject.  I must, however, posit an additional query or perhaps seed of an idea perhaps more academic than practical (my dad called me a nehsheah - kind of nosey kid!).  Family Systems is a theory of counseling which was considered in some of my practicum pastoral training.  As the world repopulates at this time, even our individualistic North American culture is meeting systems so much different.  Even doctors, lawyers, business managers, politicians - immigrants both educated or uneducated, may well be within arranged marriages.  Their children are growing up among the hormones and fads of our children.  So my closing query:  How different is our concern about who our children marry than those parents from other cultures who just go ahead and make that selection for them?